Author Archives: crypticexistence

About crypticexistence

Into semiconductor chip designing by profession, have a desire to pen down my thoughts, scribble vague ideas, question why life is the way it is, why do we live the way we live, and try to find answers in this cryptic world. Writing gives an outlet to my thoughts - some of which may not resonate with the rest of the world, but still are my thoughts, my beliefs, my reasons. I believe, that just because a thought may not reverberate with the world, does not make that thought wrong. It only means that one has the strength to speak up against what everyone else believes to be the "norm". And trust me, standing alone with you beliefs, against the incorrect norms and living the right, requires courage which few may have.

This day, that year – one plus one


I don’t think anyone could disagree to this. Our past is indeed what makes our present and heck, impacts even the future.

I wonder, if an year can do a lot to a person, what can one plus one – two full years – do to the person. Some things change, some things don’t. Some changes are happy, some are not.

Yes this is ‘that’ day of the year. This date, in this year, in the coming year and in every other year, shall always remain firmly etched in my memory. This date that year, brought with it, the biggest turning point of my life or should I say the day on which I took the first big step towards catastrophe.

  • This day that year, I had a pounding, anxious heart and an apprehensive mind. This day this year, I have a pounding but a betrayed heart and a confused mind.
  • This day that year, I took the first step towards the biggest mistake of my life. This day this year, I took the first step towards the biggest decision of my life (albeit taken by some else and thrust upon me).
  • This day that year, I flew (literally) to a (assumed) sweet union. This day this year, I forcibly crawled to a (definite) bitter end.
  • This day that year, may have marked one of the happy moments for my parents. This day this year, definitely marked the moment no one would wish anyone to see.
  • This day that year, I was looking forward with great anticipation and butterflies in my stomach the day next to this day. This day this year, I wondered on how should I react on the day arriving after it.
  • This day that year, I was eager for its arrival. This day this year, I feared and detested its arrival. And not surprisingly, both arrived, brought a tornado and left quietly but not before turning my life upside down both times.
  • This day that year, I relinquished (for the first time ever in life) the power over my life to someone else I thought I could lay trust on. This day this year, I am still working on getting that power back from that person (who effortlessly broke that blind trust I had instilled).
  • This day that year, I looked pretty, content, happy, had smiling lips, twinkle in the eye and had a head full of dark hair . This day this year, I look ruffled, lack the lustre, that smile and have a head patched with salt and pepper (thanks to the extremely stressful one plus one).
  • This day that year, I was cheerful, lively, effervescent, chirpy, beaming with confidence & dreams, and overflowing with happiness, hopes and aspirations. This day this year, sees me fearful, complacent, resigned, weak, timid, unsure and devoid of my dreams and hopes.

However, there certainly are few things that thankfully (and ever gratefully) always remain.

  • This day that year, I detested dishonesty, untruthfulness, self-absorption, manipulation and conniving. This day this year, I continue to detest rather abhor these traits, with more traits like self-conceitedness, sociopathy/narcissism, ungratefulness, randomness , its-ok-to-break-trust and who-cares attitude, added to the existing long list.
  • This day that year, I had a logical and sane mind (may have had dashes of insanity which had led me to take that decision). This day this year, I continue to have an upgraded logical and sane mind (may be with the same dashes of insanity which continues to confuse me).
  • This day that year, I had abundant material and means to own more of it if desired. This day this year, I continue to have the means and more and more of material comfort.
  • This day that year, I was valued at my workplace for being an important asset to the organisation and sought after in my field of expertise. This day this year, I continue to be a more valuable contributor (with more experience and a patent in my satchel).
  • This day that year, I was a wise person who had’nt stumbled big on any of her doings. This day this year, I am a wiser person who has seen it all (stumbled, fell, fractured, and in process of reconstruction) on the biggest misdoing of her life – for which there is no undoing.
  • This day that year, I was a firm believer in Karma and the circle of life. This day this year, I continue to hold on to that faith (albeit now solicit affirmations and evidences through life examples).
  • And most importantly, this day that year, I had loved ones by me beginning my new life. This day this year, I have the loved ones by me, beginning another new life –  one out of the many lives I have lived and will live in this one life.

And for these I shall remain forever grateful and eternally thankful to the universe.

However, little do we know how much more rocky is the road that lies ahead. The plays of the universe are predestined.

This day that year (a day so eagerly awaited) when really dawned, finally ended up being the worst day of my life . Will this day this year (a day so utterly resisted and feared), finally end up being the day where my life finally takes the biggest turn for the good.

 Only the coming years shall show (as did the two gone by have shown).

And on this day, as I look back year after year, I have only one regret which is also the only wish – I wish this day that year had been another regular day and not been THE day for me, life today would so much better than it is. How I wish that day would have never occurred. How I wish that day and all its associated misdoings and memories, get erased. How I wish if that day had not been what it was, then today would not have been what it is!

Categories: Life's Graffiti | 4 Comments

Cut the c(b)raaap!

Dedicated to the disgusting and disturbing memory of the SO; No, rather in my case it always was the InSO (the InSensitive Other) and today as it also stands – the InSO (the Insignificant Other). Both are on the dot.

Read the below statement on some site on the internet and found it so undeniably true that could not refrain from sharing it (albeit modified a bit to add my tit-bits) on my personal blog. However, differing from the context this might have been actually written in, I adapt this in context of motorcyclists (and all references to “bikers” on this page should be inferred as “motorcyclists”). My up-close and personal trysts with one such entity, scarred me for life and gave me the lessons I could have have learned in other easier ways (may be!). This is certainly for keeps and always remind me of how after getting embroiled in the murk, I managed to save myself from getting totally drowned in that pile of garbage.

“People who are “serious” bikers are the most selfish pieces of human garbage on earth. Every hardcore biker I know retreats into a life of only talking to bikers about motorcycles and the associated facade of useless, pointless, shameless revelry. And their families are left far behind as they run around in disgusting perverted clothing, clogging up the roads that real family men use shuttling their families to family activities together. All the while these selfish loser bikers run about on child’s toys, being the absolute selfish pigs, man-child, closeted scums.”

What’s the fad?

Why is it so hard for them to look at a motorcycle, as

  • just assembled pieces of metal, alloys, and engine put together by bolts and weld,
  • just any man-made machine on wheels,
  • Heck! just another mode of transportation.

Man made this machine or did machine make the man?

The InSO would swear by that machine made that man. Lifeless non-living pieces of metal put together – Bikes, get personalized names, genders and true affection which even a dying human may not get. What would a conversation with  one such sound like?

InSO Biker: “I cannot imagine life before I had Halley and today a life without her. What a beauty!”

A sane friend: Aww! Would love to meet your daughter.

InSO Biker (smiles): I never intend to have kids. My Halley is my world and makes up for everything in my life. 

A sane friend : Aww! a loving husband you are, I must say. Your wife makes your world.

InSO Biker (retorts): Nah!! When did I say that? I am too consumed in my own frivolous self to share that with the entity called “wife”. She exists, but who cares!.

A sane friend (surprised): Oops! Sorry for mistaking your dog Halley with your “existent but inconsequential wife”.

InSO Biker: That’s Misty. She is a darling and please be kind enough to not address her as a dog. She is my baby, whom I am very protective of!

A sane friend (irritated by now): Duh! Who the hell is Halley then?

InSO Biker: My bike! The Harley I got a little over two years back and added to my existing brood of Enfield and Duke. 

A sane friend (angrily mutters): Ah! I See. #@*$!#%

The sane friend then realized that for some people the importance of a fellow Homo sapien, especially the one you are supposed to be with and be responsible for all your life, is no way near to that of the species Canis familiaris and a mechanical object engine running on two-wheels  The friend wondered, since when did alloy metal start getting precedence over the canine species and canine species treated over the species who cry, sweat, bleed and care for the sake of their love.

And while I was still getting used to dogs being addressed this way, the mechanical vehicles were added to the privileged species. Now I fear that day may not be far, when such people (like the InSO) , who are already treating emotional and loving human beings worse than “a piece of junk”, may soon discard them in the junkyard and have their loving hearts fed to the canine species (which the bikers are also fond of).

Bikes are someone’s way of life, the other’s soulmate, someone else’s breath and heart-beat, while another’s reason to live. To such a clan, bikes are worship-worthy and other bikers are heroes.

Let this clan of “self-proclaimed” biking enthusiasts/amateurs/pros know, any Tom-Dick-Harry can ride a bike; around half the world-population rides or know to ride, but wonder what runs through the cerebral hormones of the self-declared serious bikers, that none is any less of a Rossi (well, in their heads!).


Why is their sense of “normal” really an “extreme”?

When regular husbands are busy planning a family vacation with his wife and kids,  the biker husband is busy planning their next biking trip in order to find trails and corners to showcase (to whom?) what lame antics they could be capable of.

When regular couples are busy planning their life ahead, the vagabond biker husband is “solely” planning for the next bike he wants to own, the next helmet he wants to buy and the next riding and luggage gear he should own.

When regular husbands are busy securing the future of their families, the self-proclaimed “heroes” go racing around mountains to get the adrenaline rush they are addicted to and display their useless gigs.

When regular people look forward to return home to home food, love and care, these paranoids are in the never-ending quest for dirt, dirt-tracks, and mud to eat the slush the they are used to.

Of course, there are people who ride a bike to earn a living, there are others who ride to reach a place where they earn a living, and others may simply ride occasionally to enjoy the sense of living. And then there is a paranoid chunk who live with the bike,  by the bike, and for the bike! What do we call such people? What’s the fun in gallivanting like a nomad, a life which is only about you and never feeling to do anything else, let alone for anyone else?

Fine. That’s how you are wired!! Accepted! But then…..

Do not sweet-talk someone into getting into this life which you have chosen for yourself. Do not ruin all her dreams by wanting her to live in a make-believe world which does not even exist for you. Do not belittle her desires, her wishes simply because they do not align with yours. Do not trash her individuality just because it does not resonate with yours. Do not rubbish her hopes just because you have none to offer. Do not ever ruin her stable world just because you never ever knew what it means to be stable and how it feels to be so.

Having a family (a wife) is a burden, which thou shall bear till they serve some purpose to their heady rigid self, boasting with false pride and beaming in the joy of being a parasite. As and when the returns seems to be less rewarding I shall discard thou in trash and move on to the next ‘ride’, leaving behind a pile of emotions, questions, confusions, sorrows, tears, fears and an insane mind (which was once fertile, glowing and beaming). But again, who cares!

Dear InSO, to let you know. No one needs a ‘man-child’ to enlighten their life; the one who himself is incapable of becoming the sunshine in someone’s life. Rather he belongs to the breed of parasites who thrive on someone else’s sunshine until they have sucked out every last ray of light before moving on to the next source.

Me: Reality check.

InSO Biker (wondering): What is that?

Me: Huhh!! 

Will I ever understand this insanity? No. Never.
To each his own. But you display no macho-ism by doing something at the expense of someone else or levitating someone to it with misleading promises & fake assurances, then depriving the other of her rights and life.

Will I ever forgive this misdoing? No. Never.
Especially after having my life ruined by one such. Never in this life.

Categories: Life's Graffiti | Leave a comment

Of a never-ending struggle

Why do my words seem so jumbled, when I actually get to penning them down?
Why does everything seem blur, when I intentionally open my eyes to see them?
Why does every thought in my mind begin to confuse me, when I carefully decide to analyze them?
Why does everything suddenly seem so complicated and scary, when I deliberately aim to bring in changes hoping for the better?
Why do people and situations start to intimidate me, when I courageously gather myself to face them all?

Am I struggling? I have been. And Yes! I am.

Struggling with emotions – in the never ending pursuit of happiness.
Struggling with righteousness – the nails of karma, conscience, right & wrongs hammered into my mind, while being surrounded with unapologetic atrocities.
Struggling with situations – thrust upon with little fault of mine.
Struggling with people – some of whom I mistakenly chose, some I was given no choice for and some who chose not to choose me.
Struggling to cope – lack of morality and being shamelessly discarded.
Struggling with life (thankfully, not to live) – all I wanted was to live non-invasively and happily.
Struggling for survival!

Will I overcome? Time will tell. The struggle is on & goes on!

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When I’m gone!




Your tears will flow,
But I won’t know,
Cry for me now!


You’ll utter words of praise,
But I won’t hear,
Praise me now!



You’ll send flowers,
But I won’t see,
Send them now!


You’ll long my voice,
But I won’t speak,
Talk to me now!


You’ll be sorry,
But I won’t feel,
Apologize to me now!


You’ll crave my touch,
But I won’t budge,
Hold me now!


You’ll forget my faults,
But I won’t halt,
Forget them now!


You’ll miss me a lot,
But return will I not.
Miss me now!


You’ll have regrets,
But I won’t fret.
Acknowledge those now!


You’ll wish, you could’ve time for me,
But I won’t be with thee,
Be with me now!

Categories: My Poetry | Leave a comment

In my Solitude

solitudeIn my solitude, I stand,

far away in a distant land.


Sweltering heat, drying tears.

Unlike dreams,

coming true are fears.


Sweat, grime and dust.

Amidst the gloom,

someone my own, I lust.


Withering me, parched earth.

What I seek,

is in dearth.


With deafening silence abode.

In my habitat,

loneliness galore!


Barren land,

no footprints.

I swivel around,

Not a glint!


Lost I feel,

tired I am.

As I try to raise,



Back to the ground,

I’ve fallen,

All from the top,

right to the bottom.


I ask,

Is there life, is there hope?

Until when,

can I hope to cope?


As life and hope continue to gaze,

A mirage is what,

I seem to chase.


Will this solitude end?

In fading hope and years,

Who knows if…..

one summer may bend.


Until then,

I continue to stand,

In my solitude….

on a faraway land!

Categories: My Poetry | Leave a comment

Life : A paradox of sorts

images (5)

‘Ignorance is bliss’- I had heard,

But one living in it, is called a jerk.

Living is such a paradox here,

And then they say, the world is a sphere.


If this was true,

what goes, should come back to you,

But neither people nor time do.


They say its good to dream-

“Dream as if life’s a song”

Then they say,

“Get up and move,

life and dreams don’t get along!”


They say live in today, forget your past,

For your future,  raise the mast.

I say,

“Future is obscure, today’s gonna end”,

So, lets not pretend!

Truth is, “Only the past stays with you, till the end”.


When I question life,

I am crazy, I am being told.

But when it all thrusts upon them,

Why cannot they withhold.


What is life?

“Yes, i cannot understand”,

But those who do,

Still don’t give me a hand.


I want to fly and be free,

“You can do it –  have wings”

But then they say,

“You can’t live on a tree”.


Most beautiful is to be a child,

When I tried to remain one,

Why did you go wild?!


Its you –  who killed the child in me,

Why complain?

“The world is’nt the way it should be”.


“Live to the fullest,

Life is about to go”…

Then why do you tell me to go slow.

When I run, you tell me to walk,

Do you ever walk the talk!


When I laugh out loud,

“U laugh too much”,

And when I don’t,

“U shouldn’t be such”.


When You cry – Its pain.

When I do – Its insane!


When I don’t ask,

“U are not interested”,

And when I do,

“U just don’t get it!”


The paradox doesn’t end here –

What goes, never comes back,

And then they say, the world is a sphere !!!

Categories: My Poetry | Tags: | Leave a comment

Dreams are made of…

I like to sleep.

In the emptiness of the night,

there are some dreams, so serene.Dream


Some dark and dry,

Some that make me cry.

Some, where there is only noise,

And some that you fantasize.


Some take you through the alleys of Eygpt,

Others just seem so crypt.

Sometimes they lead you into a dungeon,

Others may fly you over the bridge in London.


Some real, Some fake,

why is that dreams are made?

Is there a story behind those images,

Or did someone write a screenplay in pages.


I kept wondering how to define,

Yet at the end of the night,

Those dreams were mine.


I saw a pyre being lighted by me,

I woke up, only to cry and cry,

Assured it will never be,

Until weeks later, it indeed was me!


Did someone say, dreams do come true,

Little did they tell me,

Only the nightmares do.


Why are dreams made?


To give me happiness or pain.

Some lose, some retain,

But if they were not meant to be,

Why do one I even see?


Those dreams where I smile, I laugh,

Those dreams where I live happily ever after,

But those are dreams though,

When I open my eyes, flow away like water.


I think to myself,

Why did I have to wake up?

Is there no place on earth,

Where I could live it up.


So, what really are dreams made of?


Of plastic or of silk,

why don’t I seem to remember it at will.


Of demons or of angels,

no one could tell.


Of sweetness or of bitterness,

or randomly in wilderness.


Of reality or of fairytales,

lasts only until you are called “Awake!”


Of bright colors, or full of greys,

only the grey ones seem to stay.


Of a bright day or a gloomy night,

something you cannot seem to fight.


Of cotton or of wood,

I would choose them if I could.


Of water or of stone,

would capture them before they were gone.


Of  sugar or of salt,

I wish I could know it all……………

Categories: My Poetry | Tags: | Leave a comment

Hello world!

Hello World !

Every software programmer would be very familiar with the old phrase “Hello World”, as he would have opened his eyes into the all so cryptic binary world of software seeing these two words. The first program of his life was written and here gleamed these two words on the screen. This meant that the code he had written was indeed working and these words were an evidence of that. He beamed with happiness as he had now seemed to identify the ”right path to success”. He felt it was “his” moment, his ‘eureka’ moment. Suddenly the whole world seemed to be just an order away. But was it? And this is where it all started….

Started a race….a race for winning, a target for achieving, a hunger for ruling,  a struggle for survival etc., etc., He learnt to crawl, then walk, then brisk it up, and did not realize when suddenly one day, one fine day, he was running. And running. And running. He was indeed running, but

running a race for winning,

running behind a target for achieving,

running behind a hunger for ruling,

running in a struggle for survival,

but all along, little did he realize….in the end, he was only running behind a pursuit for happyness…..

Happyness? What is this? He was always entangled in the getting to spell “happyness” correctly. Obviously, he was running to get a 10-on-10 in Dictation in primary school. Happyness was always h-a-p-p-I-n-e-s-s. Did he then care for anything beyond the obvious? For that matter, how much of it, did he care for even today?

But did it matter then?

“Obviously Not”

Happiness was never the goal of life. It was a way of life, and was implicit. It was always ‘absolutely’ there. He couldn’t care less..

But does it matter today?

“Mmmm…It surely does”

Happiness in this time, is the motto of life. It’s no longer a way of life, but a means towards life. Today, it has to be explicitly derived. It is now ‘relative’ and ‘subjective’.

Conserve and nurture happyness..It will be gone before you blink !!

Why did this definition of happiness change through his course of life. All he was doing was just running, eyes fixed on the finish line. Then where did he falter?

While running, all his energy and focus was so fixed on the finish line, that he could not see beyond the obvious finish line.

It did not occur to him that the finish line was a moving target and it kept moving away and away as soon as he thought it was getting closer and closer.

It did not occur to him that as much as he seemed to get closer and closer to the finish line, he moved farther and farther from his origin.

It did not occur to him that as much as he tried to untangle the hurdles that came his way, the more difficult it became for him to decipher the true reason behind his race.

It did not occur to him that “Hello World”  was not plain and simple as it seemed. It was encrypted with the most complex algorithms of the same binary world; the same racing track he was running on.

These two encrypted words had snatched away so much from him – the real meaning and sensation of happyness, the true sense of belonging, the real meaning and reason of existence, a rested and peaceful soul, a silent moment of leisure and freedom,  and a gamut of invaluable, lovable moments, emotions which were left behind on the origin.

As William Henry Davies beautifully puts it:

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare. 

He couldn’t agree more. He couldn’t regret more….
Look for the key to de-crypt “Hello World” in the maze of the encrypted world, and decipher your cryptic existence !!
Categories: Life | 2 Comments

Just Me!

Sharing a few quotes, to give a context of my creations to you:

“We spend our lives talking about this mystery. Our Life” – Jules Renard

“Existence really is an imperfect tense that never becomes a present” – Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

“Existence is the end of endless eternity without a beginning or an end.” – Dejan Stojanoviæ

“Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve.” – Erich Fromm

The opinions, emotions and writings are personal and not intended to change yours. To know more, read on…

Happy Reading!!

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